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Sunday, November 9, 2014

Just finishing up edits of my new adult mystery, BELLINGER BEAUTY; here's the story...






When Zoe Gale’s husband is brutally murdered and the police give up the search for his killer, she sets out to find peace of mind by proving the guilt of a wealthy and powerful man. To pay the rent, she takes a job in the same city, helping another man find his missing daughter.  If she doesn’t find her husband's murderer, the man will go free and her name will rise to the top of his To Kill list.

11 comments:

  1. I think you could make the first line even more moving if you add some detail about the body. Assuming Zoe actually saw him dead, she could think of the color of his skin or how his eyes looked or of the injury that killed him.

    I'm wondering how long he's been dead. Maybe when you mention that the police had given up, you could give an indication of time.

    I also think instead of "for some reason" it might be good to say what about it calmed her. Does it feel like home? Like "normal"?

    Beyond that, my only suggestions would be to check your punctuation, because I think you have some commas where you need periods. And also, you used the word stucco a few times. Maybe you could reword once. Good luck!

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  2. The description of Flamingo Mist,I'm assuming it's a town, is quite vivid. If you wanted to clarify, you could add,"The outskirts of/the town of/the sleepy Florida hamlet of", any of those would clear that up. Anyway, I digress. The description of the houses springing up like yard mushrooms is SO vivid. It's really grabby. I get that you feel like cluing the reader in on her dead husband and her investigation of his murder is hugely plot important, and it is, I agree. But does it need to be front loaded at the beginning of the narrative? What if you just described how seeing those woods makes her feel without saying why. Go deep in her head and have her just feel her feelings. I mean, how often do we, as people, sit down and dissect why we're feeling a particular feeling. You can get into the nervousness, the dread, and the drive to learn the truth without coming out and saying it and then the reader is going to ask why is it that this woman is feeling this way and what does it have to do with the stretch of highway and why she's going to this particular town. A town that's obviously important b/c she describes it in such loving detail. Also is it necessary to put her getting directions in scene or can it just be a sentence or two showing the obstacles involved in getting to her goal which is obviously getting to Howard Bellinger's place. I hope this helps and good luck.

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  3. Hi!
    In that first paragraph, I'd show her dead husband. Make us relive that moment, relive her emotions.
    You have amazing description in that fourth paragraph. Right off the bat, I have a sense of where your MC is.
    In the next paragraph I think you have too many proper nouns. Unless the names of the motel and bands play an important role in your story, I think you can eliminate them.
    Hope I've helped. Best of luck!

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  4. You have a lot of wonderful description in here! The specific naming (Placida Road, Elk's Lodge, Square Five, etc) really made it feel like I was there. I wonder how long it's been since her husband died, since the police have given up? I also wonder how they know it was a murder as opposed to a heart attack or something like that. Perhaps that will all be revealed later (but it's a good thing that I'm curious enough to ask!) but perhaps some allusion to how he died would be helpful. I'm not sure if this is a work in progress or a completed work for you, but I would LOVE to see it written in present tense! I think it would carry so much more impact reading, "Images of my husband’s dead body flood my mind as I drive down Placida Road this Florida morning on my way to meet Howard Bellinger." Best of luck to you!

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  5. Gonna start out with my reader bias which is I don't usually read this genre, so take all my feedback with that grain of salt.

    I really love your second paragraph, and almost wish it was the first. It anchors me in the character more than the list of events in the first which really could be second and not lose you anything.

    I have a hard time with all the proper names and places coming at me so quickly. I've been all over Florida on many occasions, but with all of this, I don't have enough information to place myself on the peninsula or panhandle. More valuable than the place names would be the feel of the place so I don't immediately go to Google Maps (which I totally did).

    I hope this helps! Best of luck!

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  6. I agree with others - your descriptions of the town are fantastic. I could see it, feel it. In fact, I liked them so much I almost wanted you to start there because they flow much better than your opening paragraphs.
    I had a hard time connecting to her grief - it felt overwritten perhaps.
    I wonder whether you could start with the action of her pulling off the road? Crying? Before she looks out her window ("a couple quick glances" feels weird, like she looks out then down then out again).
    Good luck!
    #21 SPOOKY JANE

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  7. I have to agree with the above. You create wonderful imagery but I'm not getting a true sense of grief either.
    (for me) It seems very clinical, like someone was reporting "wife in tears as she passes where husbands body is found)
    I also didn't like "shock waves" - it sounded (again to me) kind of disingenuous, like you're trying to convince us and yourself that's how you should feel.

    Clearly you can write :) but while I get a real sense of the place, I don't get a real sense of her genuine pain or loss. I wonder if you've began in the wrong spot.

    Oh and I have to say this.
    I am not a fan of the word LOOM (or loomed) as I don't believe it conveys all that much and is way overused. As an example, I've given critique on 12-odd here and your's is the 3rd with the word LOOM in the first 250-words. But this is a personal thing, I don't like MOIST either unless your describing a cake :)

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  8. In the couple of minutes it took me to read this, I was transported to Flamingo Mist. In other words, you did a great job describing it. You're very talented.

    If you want to start in the same place, I suggest showing us the images she sees in her head of her dead husband. If not, I think your second paragraph could start the story just as well.

    I personally like the pronouns as it lets me know the MC knows the town pretty well.

    Is it necessary that she gets directions? If it's not, I'd suggest cutting it so it doesn't feel like a way to sneak her name in there.

    Good luck! I enjoyed it.

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  9. The good: I like the idea of what you have here. I think someone strong enough to keep searching for a killer is a very strong female MC. I also like some of the descriptions. Once you said fried chicken, I was into the story, because I know how good that smells. (it also made me kind of hungry...;)...). I think you draw a reader in with your description.

    The bad: I felt like you were telling me a story. I saw the woman pull over, I saw her feel emotions, but I don't feel like I was with her at those times. I think you can make this really pop by showing us how she feels...which I know is a challenge (I struggle with this, too). But if she's pulling over because of how she feels, does the road get blurry? Do her eyes start to water, her breath catch in her throat, a feeling of heaviness descend?

    And I want to see the scenery just a tad bit more. I can see the houses and such, but what about the inside of the car (just one or two things) or the restaurant?

    You're off to a great start, though and I think you've started in the right spot!

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  10. Hi there! This is a really good start. Your descriptions are spot on and if we could get even more than that (describing her husband's body, how she is feeling and how that manifests in her physical actions, etc) it would be wonderful. That being said, I feel a little detached from your main character. Like I'm watching her through a lens instead of being right beside her, driving with her to her meeting. Instead of it being action action action, linger a little bit.

    Good job! :)

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  11. Another mystery person! I love meeting fellow mystery buffs. This is quite well laid down as far as setting is concerned. However, we don't want to take away from the power of a dead husband. I'd move some of those proper nouns to later so that this beginning session focuses on the protagonist's loss. Nice job.

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