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Tuesday, December 2, 2014

DANGEROUS: YA Query Blog Hop Entry


Here is my Query Blog Hop Entry. Please critique away. I adore all comments.





Dear Ms Perfect Agent for Me,

When sixteen-year-old Cammie's forced off the road and nearly killed by the richest man in Sleepy Valley SC, she needs evidence to prove her sister’s boyfriend is the culprit before he murders both of them.

Lucky she has someone to count on: her Nana, now in her seventies who worships the god Bahr, has more guns in her house than the local pawn shop, bakes fantastic Norwegian cookies and keeps up with the latest on profiling killers. But no one else believes Cammie, including the sheriff, until his hunk of a nephew tries to help her, but he could be one of the bad guys.

After scheming to get the murderer to invite her and her family to his home for dinner, she makes friends with one of the maids and takes a job as a maid at his family’s palatial estate. Dressed in disguise so her sister's boyfriend doesn't recognize her, she snoops in his laboratory and room, looking for evidence, but time is closing in on her and so is the murderer.

 I won first place from the Virginia Romance Writers Association for one of my novels and second place for YA fiction from the Florida State Writing Competition. My mystery/suspense fiction has been published in PALM PRINTS, the University of South Florida Writers Journal, and online at RIVERWALK.

Dangerous is a 61,000 word completed YA mystery/thriller that contains unique formats, including newspaper articles, lists, cards and emails.

This is a multiple submission. Although Dangerous is a standalone story, it has series potential.

As per your guidelines, I've pasted in the first chapter and a synopsis.

Thank you for considering Dangerous.

Sincerely,

10 comments:

  1. Hi!

    Queries are such a pain for me, so please only use my feedback if it resonates with you.

    In the first paragraph, I believe you can eliminate SC. Just use Sleepy Valley, or something like...small town South Carolina. Giving the town and state makes it feel too formal.

    Too many details about Nana...not enough about Cammie. Don't get me wrong, Nana sounds like a heck of a character, but she's not the MC. Let us get to know Cammie, not secondary characters.

    I feel the third paragraph is an info dump. Maybe rework it, get it to flow better. I can't pinpoint exactly what it is, it just doesn't keep my attention.

    Overall, I really like your story's idea. It sounds interesting. I also love that you've included the 'unique formats'. I think this is something that will spark an agent's interest...it did mine!

    Best of luck with this!

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  2. Hi Carolyn! I really like your story based on the query, but I think there's some room for improvement. My biggest tip would be cutting down your sentences, because a lot of them feel really long and filled with too much info.

    For example, you could probably cut this part down a little: [After scheming to get the murderer to invite her and her family to his home for dinner, she makes friends with one of the maids and takes a job as a maid at his family’s palatial estate. Dressed in disguise so her sister's boyfriend doesn't recognize her, she snoops in his laboratory and room, looking for evidence...]

    Example with cuts: [A clever disguise gives Cammie a chance to snoop around the murderer's lab and room for evidence.] The essentials here are that she's disguised herself and that she's in the house to look for evidence, so take a long at your phrases and try to convey the most important information. I had a lot of trouble with this when I first worked on my query, but once you cut down sentences and make them smoother, it makes your query look so much stronger.

    I'd also consider cutting down your first sentence into a few shorter sentences, because it feels a bit lengthy as it is.

    Like Amy said, I think it'd help too if you focus more on Cammie, rather than the side characters. (You can probably cut down on the details about Nana a bit and use that space to talk more about Cammie.) They're important to the plot, yes, but Cammie's your MC, so she needs to be the one we know the most about, and the one whose journey we're most invested in. I can feel her voice here, but I feel like you could infuse some more into the query. I like what I've seen of her, but I want to see more.

    Overall, I think your story looks super interesting, and I think with a bit of cutting, you'll have a really amazing query. Good luck on your querying adventures and I hope my advice helps a bit!

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  3. When sixteen-year-old Cammie's forced off the road and nearly killed by the richest man in Sleepy Valley SC, she needs evidence to prove her sister’s boyfriend is the culprit before he murders both of them. ---{This left me confused as it gives too much information in one sentence and right at the beginning of the query}---


    Lucky she has someone to count on: her Nana, now in her seventies who worships the god Bahr, has more guns in her house than the local pawn shop, bakes fantastic Norwegian cookies and keeps up with the latest on profiling killers. But no one else believes Cammie, including the sheriff, until his hunk of a nephew tries to help her, but he could be one of the bad guys. ---{I feel like a lot of information is given again, and nothing so far about the main character - I had to go back and remember what her names was. Try and focus the query on her}---


    After scheming to get the murderer to invite her and her family to his home for dinner, she makes friends with one of the maids and takes a job as a maid ---{repeat 'maid' twice in the same sentence}--- at his family’s palatial estate. Dressed in disguise so her sister's boyfriend doesn't recognize her, she snoops in his laboratory ---{it feels strange that there's a laboratory...a laboratory of what exactly?}--- and room, looking for evidence, but time is closing in on her and so is the murderer. ---{I feel like the stakes aren't clear - and why is time running out now?}---

    Hope this helps!
    Good luck! :)

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  4. Hi Carolyn,

    My sentiments echo what's already been said. There's little sentence variation here. You start off with an AMAZING voice, but the length of the sentences eventually cause it it vanish. There are some instances where I cannot read a sentence aloud in one breath (which is important to me as a reader), such as the maid sentence.

    Also, because you repeatedly using a different term to talk about the murderer ( murderer, sister's boyfriend, richest man in town) it gets hard to keep track of who you're talking about. Better to stick to one or two, instead of forcing us to look back.

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  5. Hi Carolyn,

    Your book sounds interesting and congrats on all your writing achievements!

    At first I'm wondering why the boyfriend would try to kill the girls (motive?) and then after reading the query, that question isn't answered.

    Then, I find the description of Nana is distracting and maybe unnecessary. I was confused about the sheriff's nephew...is the nephew the boyfriend/killer? On third read, I'm guessing he's not. But why does she think he's one of the bad guys? Is the sheriff a bad guy, and if so, why? Is it important to the query?

    I agree with the comments above. I also feel like you kind of drop off of the query with the last line...'time is closing in and so is the murderer.' What makes this unique from every other mystery? What's your hook besides her disguise to sneak around and find out stuff about him?

    Ok, so I know this is hard. Mine is, too. And I really appreciate you taking the time to comment on mine. I hope this helps a bit.

    I like how you have different formats in your book. Also, in the ending, you can cut the words 'completed' and 'multiple submission' as agents assume both of those things.

    Good luck to you and let me know if you have any questions.
    Shari

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  6. This sounds like a great read -- you must have had fun writing it! The different formats are a big sell too.
    My comments echo the others who have already weighed in, so I won't belabor the point.

    The questions that need answering:
    - Is the richest man in Sleepy Valley also her sister's boyfriend?
    - Why is the sheriff's nephew helping? (Be clear - is he trying to drive the investigation away from himself?)
    - who's the murderer she schemes to eat dinner with -- the nephew or the sister's boyfriend?

    Have you ever tried reading it out loud to yourself? I think you might find it helpful. When you reach points where you know you've talked too long or you don't sound like "you", edit.
    Finally, I'd cut the parts about multiple submission and their guidelines. They know that part.
    Good luck!

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  7. Hi Carolyn-

    This is a good draft and I too, agree with the comments already left here. My only additional bit of feedback would be to either explain why Cammie thinks the murderer is going after both sisters, or leave that part out. This is in reference to "before he murders both of them."

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  8. I'm also a little confused. It wasn't clear that the richest man in town and the sister boyfriend were the same person. Also, the mention of the god Bahr had me thinking this might be a paranormal story.

    My advice would be to identify the main plot points of your book, and make them your focus. You can't possibly touch on everything that goes on and still provide the depth and clarity you need.

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  9. I love the premise of your story! This sounds like a fantastic read, full of quirky characters and intrigue.

    Others have addressed sentence length and the parts that are a little confusing, so I won't go there.

    I think your query would be clearer if you reduced the number of characters and focus on the potential murderer and Cammie alone. While I love learning about Nana (and actually hoped the god Bahr would play a further role in the query!), she doesn't come back after her first mention (neither does the hunky nephew or the Sheriff, for that matter). Unless you can include these characters in the stakes, it's best to leave them out of the query.

    Maybe focus on a single plotline: the murderer is after her; she has to sneak into his house and gather evidence; something’s preventing this from happening; and what happens if she doesn't foil his plan to kill her. On the side, why does he want to kill her? Identifying his motive might add to your stakes.

    All the best with it!


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  10. Hey,

    #9 from the Holiday Query Blog Hop here :D

    My thoughts are capitalized:

    ***

    When sixteen-year-old Cammie's forced off the road and nearly killed by the richest man in Sleepy Valley SC, she needs evidence to prove her sister’s boyfriend is the culprit before he murders both of them. (WOW, SAY WHAT NOW? TOO MUCH HAPPENED IN THIS SENTENCE. I GOT INTRODUCED TO THREE CHARACTERS - ONE WHO MOONLIGHTS AS A KILLER - A LOCATION, STAKES AND AN INCITING INCIDENT)

    Lucky she has someone to count on: her Nana, now in her seventies who worships the god Bahr, has more guns in her house than the local pawn shop, bakes fantastic Norwegian cookies and keeps up with the latest on profiling killers (I WOULD CUT THE GOD PART UNLESS THERE'S A SUPERNATURAL ELEMENT). But no one else believes Cammie, including the sheriff, until his hunk of a nephew tries to help her, but he could be one of the bad guys (AGAIN, TOO MUCH HAPPENS IN THIS SENTENCE).

    After scheming to get the murderer to invite her and her family to his home for dinner, she makes friends with one of the maids and takes a job as a maid at his family’s palatial estate. Dressed in disguise so her sister's boyfriend doesn't recognize her, she snoops in his laboratory and room, looking for evidence, but time is closing in on her and so is the murderer. (THIS SOUNDED A BIT LIKE A SYNOPSIS IN THE END)

    ***

    I think your query could use some voice to spice it up. There are also a few sentences that sound like summaries for 3+ chapters. Cut them up instead of hurling things at us.

    Best of luck,
    Tiffanie

    ReplyDelete